Assertiveness
How to ask a friend to pay back money
Raise it directly and privately, and name the amount. Assume good intentions but ask for a concrete plan: a date or instalments you both agree on. It is your money, and asking for it back is not rude.
How to handle this conversation
Bring it up yourself
Waiting for them to remember rarely works. Try: “I wanted to ask about the money I lent you in spring. Can we talk about when you can pay it back?”
Name the amount
Vagueness makes it easy to forget or play down. Say the exact sum and when you lent it.
Offer a plan if needed
If they cannot pay it all at once, suggest instalments: “Could you pay me back a part each month, starting next month?”
Do not let a joke end the topic
Laugh with them if you like, then come back to it: “Seriously though, I need to know when.”
I want my money back
- Difficulty
- Medium
- Duration
- 8-12 minutes
The situation
Half a year ago you lent a close friend a sum of money to cover a deposit on an apartment. They promised to return it within two months. Since then they have not mentioned it, and they change the subject when money comes up. You are meeting for a coffee and want to raise it today.
Who you talk to
Your friend
Likeable and embarrassed about the debt. They avoid the topic, joke about it and promise to “sort it out soon” without naming a date.
The counterpart also has private goals and information that are never shown upfront. You discover them only through the conversation, the same way you would in real life.
What makes it hard
- Jokes and a quick change of subject make the topic slip away.
- The friendship makes you afraid of sounding petty.
- They mention their own money problems to buy time.
Your goals
- Raise the loan directly and name the amount
- Agree on a date or instalment plan
- Keep the friendship intact without dropping the request
What the report looks at
- Whether you raised the topic clearly and named the amount
- How you responded to jokes and changes of subject
- Whether you left with a concrete date or plan
- Whether you stayed kind without backing down