School and university
How teachers can talk to parents about a difficult issue
Start with something good you see in the student, then move to one specific problem with examples. Invite the parent to look for a solution together instead of expecting them to agree with you. Finish by settling what the school does, what home does and when you will be in touch.
How to handle this conversation
Start with the student, not the problem
One true sentence about the child’s strengths shows you see more than trouble. For example: “Jack comes up with great ideas in science.”
Describe behavior, not character
“This month he left class without permission three times” instead of “he is badly behaved.” A fact is harder to argue with.
Ask about home
Parents know things that are not visible at school. “Do you notice anything like this at home?” turns an interrogation into a conversation.
Split the tasks
At the end, agree on what the school does, what home does and when you check in again. Put it in a follow-up message.
As a teacher, I am talking to a parent
- Difficulty
- Medium to hard
- Duration
- 10-15 minutes
The situation
You teach at a primary school, and for several weeks a fourth-grade student has been disrupting lessons, skipping homework and twice got into arguments with a classmate that needed stepping in. Notes sent home got no reply. You invite his father for a conversation after school.
Who you talk to
The student’s father
Busy, comes straight from work and is on the defensive from the start. Believes his son is calm at home and the problem is the school, the class or the way lessons are run.
The counterpart also has private goals and information that are never shown upfront. You discover them only through the conversation, the same way you would in real life.
What makes it hard
- From the first sentences the father says teachers have it in for his son.
- He compares you with another teacher where “there are no problems.”
- He asks what the school is doing about it, since that is its job.
Your goals
- Present the problem with specific examples, without judging the child
- Hear the parent’s view and find a shared goal
- Agree on what the school does, what home does and when you talk again
What the report looks at
- Whether the conversation starts with the student, not a list of offenses
- Whether your description sticks to behavior and facts
- How you respond to defensiveness and to blame shifted onto the school
- Whether the conversation ends with split tasks and a date
Similar conversations
- I am asking for a recommendation letterHow to ask a teacher or professor for a recommendation letter
- I am asking a teacher about my child’s gradeHow to talk to a teacher about your child’s grade
- I am telling the form teacher about a class conflictHow to talk to a teacher about a conflict in your child’s class